PSYCHOLOGY COURSE
WINTER, 2000

In our psychology course, we studied the developmental stages of childhood and adolescence. At the end of studying adolescence, because we are adolescents ourselves, each person wrote a letter to adults expressing our wishes about how we’d like to be treated by adults. The results were so candid, fair and moving that we decided it would be a waste to have these letters just stay among ourselves (since there’s only one adult here). So, we decided to share it with those of you who check the Ecole website.

COURSE PARTICIPANTS: Avia Moore, Canada; Chris Richard, Switzerland/England; Colleen Hennessy, USA; Daniel Aaríé, Norway/Switzerland; Grace Yang, Taiwan; Karuna Richard, Switzerland/England; Maria José Sanchez Nava, Mexico; Naomi Gouw, Holland; Patrick Sha, USA/China; Stephen, China; Sung-Ah Choi, Korea.

LETTER FROM ADOLESCENTS TO ADULTS

I don’t like it when my parents (adults) say that I have to wear more coats, but I understand and they try to understand me, too. So it’s not that big deal with me.

I also don’t like it when you treat me as a child. I’m old enough to know and to realize something by myself. Sometimes I do like when you treat me like that, but if you overtreat me, I feel sick of and bad about you.

I do like when you treat me as your friend. You understand me most and just let me do the things I want to do. You suggest it to me first if you don’t like it, then I like it, too.

I like you when you don’t force me to do something, you respect my opinion. You listen to me first, then you talk with me.

I really don’t like when you treat me differently than the others. For example, you are much nicer to the other person and tell me that I’m the one who is really nice as well. That’s not true. You have a mask on your face. Actually you don’t like me as much as you like the others, but you’re saying that you like me as well. You’re lying. You don’t need to be like that. If you don’t like me, just ignore me. Your pretending that you like me as well makes me angry even more than if you ignored me.

I also don’t like when you don’t believe what I say or cut out while I’m saying something.

I like you when you embrace me. I also like you when you spend time with me. I like you when you’re nice to my friends, when you show me your smile, I like that, too. I wish that your smile is from your real mind.

Please be honest.

I don’t like when you’re too curious about my problems. I don’t like it. I hate when you tease me. (16)

When someone tells me what to wear because of the weather, it really pisses me off. My mother always does that. She doesn’t just tell me, she puts something on me. I always get really mad and out of control.

She always tells me at what time I have to come home. I think it’s good even if I get really mad at her because I know she cares about me, but sometimes I think she cares too much about me. When I come back home she is always sitting there with the light off and a cup of coffee so she doesn’t fall asleep. I really hate that because I can never really enjoy the party or wherever I go because I’m just thinking of my mom waiting for me; it is really uncomfortable. I always tell her that but she says that she just can’t sleep.

I like when she tells me her opinion about what I’m wearing even if I don’t like it, but it makes me think about it two times, if I’m’ sure I want to wear that or not. (16)

I don’t like when my parents are having me do work. I don’t like it when they’ve set rules. I don’t like it when they don’t give me enough cash. I don’t like it when they tell me what to do. (14).

I don’t like when you tell me what to wear. I am seventeen years old, and I can decide whether I am hot or cold. I don’t like when you automatically say no to my every proposal. Hear what I have to say first, and then decide how ridiculous it is. I don’t like when you compare me to my brother; we are two different people and I’m never acting “just like him.” I hate when you wake me up in the morning just because you are awake. I’m a teenager and I can sleep until 1:00 in the afternoon. I don’t want to wake up at 8:00 for no apparent reason or just to keep you company. Stop drilling me with questions about the future. I will decide where and what I want to study but first I have to figure it out for myself. When I am ready to, I will tell. you. Stop being suspicious of everything I do and assuming this and that aren’t true. I know I have made some mistakes, but this is life, I’m not a bad person. Stop generalizing and saying you don’t trust any teenagers. What do I have to do to convince you that my friends are nice kids? Why do you attack them? They are my friends because we relate to each other; attacking them is the same as attacking me. I know you want the best for me, but I am my own person. Let me figure out who I am because I don’t want you to tell me what kind of person I should be; I am not that person. Realize this, realize that. Maybe I’m not exactly who you want me to be. Stop telling me everything that I have done wrong. I know I have made mistakes; help me to overcome them; don’t keep throwing them in my face - I punish myself enough. Stop telling me you know how I’m feeling because you don’t. (17)

General likes and dislikes of adults I have is a list too broad to conceive. Mainly focusing on my parents, I enjoy when they tell me their past and what they did when they were my age. However, I loathe the times that I am compared to my parents’ teenage years. They give examples of my dad was working a full-time job when I had just begun my first year of high school.

I enjoy the times when my parents offer to do something for me - simple things, like washing the dishes. Then we argue over it lightly and I offer to do the task. However, I find it belittling that they instruct me to do a mundane task, such as washing the dishes.

I realize these are contradictions and it doesn’t really make sense to oppose something so strongly and enjoy something so similar at the same time, but to me these strikingly similar things are worlds apart simply because of the intensities of the emotions involved. When they share their past, they are not judgmental, but just a story. (16)

I want to be your equal.

I don’t like it when you assume I know less than you.

I want you to treat me like an adult but I want you to let me need help without calling me a hypocrite.

I want you to accept that sometimes I just want to lie down and listen to music.

I want to be able to be far away and still be allowed to need you.

I want to have my space. There are times when I don’t need a hug.

I want to be independent but there are some problems I want you to solve.

I want you to understand that you can’t understand, or at least don’t try to tell me that you know what I’m going through.

I want you to accept that my ideas and passions change every day.

I want you to think about me and accept me. (17)

What I do and don’t like about the way adults treat me:

I like boundaries, curfews.

I like having something to say about food, vacations, being listened to.

I like interest from my parents.

I like it that they treat me sister and me equally or give her a little more freedom because she’s older.

I liked it that my mom cleaned up my room in her way - clean but leave the mess, so I got a good sense of cleanliness.

I loved it that she let us make ourselves dirty.

I love it that they’re older than the average parent because therefore they seemed wiser.

I loved it that they didn’t give us rules related to what they were allowed to do at that age.

I loved the stories they told about the 1940’s and 50’s and talked about the things that changed in a good way.

I love their open-mindedness.

I liked that having fights didn’t disturb our relationship.

I liked that they let my sister and me fight.

I like it that they saw me as a person who has her own life. I like it that they allowed exceptions if there was a reason.

I love it how they always loved my sister and me and told us. (18)

I don’t like it when someone tells me to get dressed up warmly to go out or change my socks as if I was a little child. I like it though when I’m sick to be treated like a child by adults I feel close to and sometimes, even though I don’t like it, I need to get limits from adults, even if it’s when I’m reading and somebody just reminds to do something, homework, music practice. But I don’t like if they say it in a bossy way because I feel like I can deal with the things I have to do and a reminder is nice, but not too much.

I like it when once in a while I get to do something with an adult I like, but I don’t like it if adults want to do things with me all the time.

When I’m sad or cross, I hide it, but I like it when an adult I feel close to notices and helps me deal with it (if they know how to deal with it, like my mum). (15)

For me there is no clear border between adults and me. There are not many things I don’t like as a distinguishing factor of adults. I only dislike some of them because they are not nice people. Often I prefer to stay with adults rather than peers, except when I’m in a bad mood because I don’t like anybody comforting me or telling me life principles when I feel upset. Surely I feel much less confident to stay with adults than peers but I can learn more things from them. (16)

Although I hide my emotions and seem annoyed when you ask me about how I feel I appreciate it but need time to absorb it before responding. I don’t like it when you involve yourself too deeply in my business. If I ask for advice I am very thankful to receive it. I hate it when you tease me where I am sensitive. Thank you for being open to what I want to give. I appreciate when you sometimes let go of being an adult and play wildly, letting your young spirit blossom. I like when we can treat each other like friends. Please be honest. I like it when you hug me. Have faith in what I say. (18)

I don’t like it when I told you I don’t want to drink or eat something, but you still buy it and force me to eat it.

I like it when you hug me when I come back home. I like when you cook for me when I just say I am hungry.

I don’t like when I want to go out with my friends and you think I don’t spend any time with you. I don’t like your reactions sometimes; they can be so childish, like being angry and just ignoring me, because that doesn’t help the situation at all.

I like when you know I am not telling the truth, but you pretend you think that’s the truth and believe me. (I’ll tell you the truth anyway after I have lied).

I like it when you can read my mind and tell me with your smiling face.

I don’t like when you want to get a seat and there are ten thousand people in the same subway. It’s only half an hour; do you really have to sit down so badly?

I don’t like when you call my name out loud in a public place when people are all quiet.

I don’t like when you sometimes overreact to many things (I feel you overreact), but I hope you are doing it. Like last time I was late getting home, you were so mad but I knew that was my fault. If you hadn’t said anything I might have become worse.

I don’t like when you tell everything to your friends. (15)